The action genre
is about to be turned on its head. Van Damme may return to
the silver screen with a follow-up to the blockbuster “Bloodsport.”
Dolph Lundgren is putting out surprisingly solid flicks, and
The Rock is on pace to put out at least five action movies
next year alone.
More importantly, an old figure is on the prowl. Call him
Judge Dredd … call him the Demolition Man … call him
whatever you want, Sylvester Stallone is back. With
impending releases of “Rocky VI” and “Rambo IV,” the
Last Action Heroes decided to debate which series packs more
action. Yo Derek, drop some English.
Derek:
Sylvester Stallone is an impressive action hero. While not
packing the resume of a Van Damme or Seagal (he did star in
“Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!”), Stallone leads the way
in one of the two greatest action series of all time. The
man bleeds action. And if the blood of Stallone were filled
with any type of blood cell, it would most certainly be
type-RambO.
The movie “Rambo” was ahead of its time as an action
movie. The only flick that really compares is “Delta
Force” and by the time that movie came out, Stallone was
already in preproduction for “Rambo III.” Not only did
all three Rambo flicks actually star Stallone, they recently
picked up the option for a fourth film. Characters in
“Delta Force” and “Iron Eagle” change from movie to
movie. Norris wasn’t even the main character when “Delta
Force 3” came out. What you got Goat? What you got on
Rambo?
Goat:
Rambo blood? Please. If anything, Stallone’s blood is
composed mainly of steroids at this point — he looks
unnaturally ripped for a 59-year-old man. That aside, there
is no contest over which of Sly’s many films are his best
— the “Rocky” series wins, hands down.
This is a bold statement, as I’ll readily admit that
“Rambo” is one hell of an action extravaganza. Not only
does it showcase Stallone killing countless worthy
adversaries, but it also tells the tragic tale of a war hero
unappreciated by his own country.
That said, “Rambo” still falls short of the epic that is
“Rocky.” Sure, Stallone doesn’t kill hordes of
military elite in the films. The thing is, he doesn’t have
to. “Rocky” offers some of the most intense beatdowns
since “The Warriors” and captivating plot lines to boot.
But for Stallone, this intense action wasn’t enough. The
ridiculous list of action greats that Rocky beats down over
the course of the series is second-to-none, including
Thunderlips (Hulk Hogan), Clubber Lang (Mr. T) and Ivan
Drago (Dolph Lundgren). What does “Rambo” have when
stacked up against greats like Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and Dolph
Lundgren? A bow and arrow and mighty mullet? Give me a
break.
This all leaves me to wonder who will guest in “Rocky
VI.” The possibilities are endless, with plenty of young
action greats who would probably love to star alongside
Stallone as Mason “The Line” Dixon. Does The Rock ring a
bell? Rock — Rocky. Coincidence? I think not.
Derek:
Good one, Goat. Nice try, but no cigar. In fact, have a
machine gun or maybe a rocket launcher … because there is
no shortage of these in any “Rambo” flick. The
“Rambo” series possesses everything a crazy action fan
would want from a 1980s action flick.
We’ve got guns, rockets, grenades, fists, bullets,
explosives and the sexual tension that naturally comes with
being a mentally unstable Vietnam Vet. With taglines like
“God would have mercy, but John Rambo won’t” and
“They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail … but
they made one mistake … they forgot they were dealing with
Rambo,” you can’t go wrong.
So the “Delta Force” series was unmatched with its
obvious mission of spreading American propaganda. Rambo
beats down foreigners in this series like no other. In the
second installment, we have Rambo beating down Americans,
Vietnamese and Russians all in the name of saving American
prisoners of war. In the last installment, Rambo becomes a
Mujahedeen rebel and beats down even more Russians. He was
America’s ICBM during the 1980s (Inter-Continental Badass
Madman). The man was bad and if you missed the first, he’s
definitely a madman.
As with all great action series, one has to have logical,
natural life progressions. In the first movie, Rambo freaks
out at police and by the third he is Buddhist and fighting
with Afghani rebels against the Soviets.
Sure, Mr. T and Dolph Lundgren starred in the Rocky series.
Big deal. Besides one good action movie in recent years,
Dolph has been off the map. Mr. T has done phone commercials
and was spotted with Carrot Top at an awards ceremony a few
years back. That’s how bad he is. You see, people are
afraid of the foreign, the unknown. Yet, Rambo beats down
and flatlines foreigners more often than you see Uggs on
Langdon Street. Rambo is simply Chuck Norris with brass
balls. Let’s hear it Goat.
Goat:
I’ll have you know Mr. T was battling cancer for a long
time. And I’m sure he pitied the foolish disease that’d
try to invade his body. D-rock, if you think beating down
foreigners gives Rambo any sort of edge, you should really
watch a “Rocky” movie. I’ll again mention Ivan Drago,
the Soviet fighter who not only beat down but also killed
Rocky’s best friend and life partner, Apollo Creed.
Thirsty for redemption, Rocky faced certain death from the
Russian simply to give him nothing more than the beatdown of
his life. Drago’s underhanded tactics didn’t matter —
Rocky is unstoppable when he’s determined.
This brings me to my next point: Rocky would easily take
Rambo in a fight. Now before you laugh this off and say that
Rambo would just shoot Rocky, think a little. If you threw
Rambo and Rocky into a steel cage with no weapons, no gloves
and no choice but to fight to the death, my money is on
Rocky 100 percent of the time.
We’re talking about a man who punches sides of beef in
freezers for fun and enjoys a tall glass of raw eggs. What
does Rambo have? Oh yeah, the bow and arrow and mullet
again. Lame.
And why, Derek, haven’t I heard a single thing about the
new “Rambo” movie other than you telling me that
they’re making it? The Associated Press, CNN and Rolling
Stone all ran articles as soon as the “Rocky” news
broke, but nobody seems to care about little old Rambo.
Maybe because his movies aren’t as good …
Derek:
You haven’t heard much about the next “Rambo” simply
because the “Rocky VI” revelation has finally come to
fruition after years of rumors. Most of the great action
movies these days don’t get much hype or much fanfare. How
many of you remember when “Double Dragon” the movie hit
movie theaters? Exactly.
The plotlines are too absurd and the taglines too incoherent
to classify this as anything not as good as the “Rocky”
series. Rambo simply doesn’t care about anything in any of
the three flicks and he shows it by destroying almost
everything he comes in contact with. But I care about you
guys, the readers. Spend your hard-earned money on one of
the Rambo movies. You can’t go wrong.
Goat:
Oh, D-rock. It’s not enough that you think “Rambo” is
the better franchise, you have to try to take our readers
down with you? Have you no heart?
Yes, any and all of the “Rambo” flicks are enjoyable.
But that’s like saying a candy bar for breakfast is
enjoyable. Though you’ll enjoy “Rambo” while you
partake, soon after viewing you’ll inevitably crash and be
left feeling empty and craving something of substance.
“Rocky,” on the other hand, is like a thick, juicy
t-bone steak with a baked potato on the side — every bit
as enjoyable as the candy bar and it’ll leave you
satisfied for a long, long time.
When it comes down to candy bars and t-bones, I love both
— but I’d rather be eating a t-bone right now than
munching on a Butterfinger. “Rocky” offers everything
action fans crave, whether it is great one-liners or brutal
beatdowns.
And in case that’s not enough, the original also won three
Oscars back in 1979. But, you know, “Rambo” is cool.
It’s not like critics have ever been right about anything.
Game. Set. Match.
The Last Action Heroes want to
hear from you! Which Stallone project are you most looking
forward to? Let them know by dropping Derek and Ryan a line
at actionheroes@hotmail.com.
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